Gift Guide for the Person Who Hates Everything
Quick Answer
What do you get for someone who hates everything? Get them something that agrees with them. The person who hates everything is not actually hard to shop for. They have strong opinions and they know exactly what they like. The problem is that most gifts are clutter, and they know it. The right gift says you were paying attention: to what they believe, what annoys them, what they wear when they are being honest about how they feel about the world. Six picks below. All of them pass the test.
They don't hate everything. They hate most things. There's a difference. The gap between most things and everything is exactly where the right gift lives.
What they actually hate is being handed something generic by someone who didn't try. A candle. A gift card to a place they don't go. Anything with the word "cozy" on it. What they want is something specific. Something that says the person buying it actually knows them. Here's where to start.
For the one who says "and yet" after every bad news update
They said it after the first bad year. And the second. They are still saying it. "The horrors persist" is not a complaint at this point. It's a position. An orientation toward reality. This shirt is for the person who has stopped being surprised and started being accurate. The The Horrors Persist T-shirt does not ask for anything. It just states the situation.
For the one who has never forgotten anything, ever
They remember the thing from years ago. The comment. The moment someone showed them who they were. They filed it. It's still there. The science on this is actually on their side: the brain holds grudges because grudges are useful. We went into the full research in the grudges post. Their memory is not a flaw. The I Hold Grudges T-shirt just makes it official.
For the one who has done the reading
They know what the government has done. They know what it's still doing. The irony is the point. Sincerity stopped being an option a long time ago for them, and they are not wrong about why. If they've ever said "no war but class war" and meant it — we have the full history on that — the Trust Your Government T-shirt is the shirt. They will understand immediately.
For the one who is not in the mood, spiritually
It's not about religion specifically. It's about whatever is being sold to them today. Inspiration. Positivity. Unsolicited feedback. Someone's morning routine. The idea that a different attitude would fix the problem. They are not anti-anything in particular. They are anti-whatever is being pushed on them right now, on this specific day. The Not Today Jesus T-shirt covers the general case.
For the one who is being honest
Not a metaphor. Not a bit. A straightforward statement about their relationship with large groups of humans and small talk. They have tried being polite about it for years. They are done being polite about it. The I Hate People T-shirt is the most efficient communication they have made in years. Give it to them and watch them put it on immediately.
For the one who would rather not
They'll go to the party. They said they would, so they will. They'll stand near the food, nurse the same drink for an hour so they don't have to talk with their hands, make brief eye contact, and look away at the right moment. It's not that they hate people. They just find most social situations to be a lot. The crab understands. The crab is also not sure what to do with its body at parties. The Awkward Crab T-shirt is for the one who will laugh at this the most.
Everything else they actually want
All of it is at murderapparel.com. They won't say thank you, probably. But they'll wear it.
Murder Apparel is an independent, husband-and-wife brand making spooky, political gear for people who give a damn. We donate to fight injustice and support communities in need. 500,000+ weirdos on Instagram. Come find your people.
Frequently asked questions
What do you get for someone who hates everything?
Get them something that agrees with them. The mistake most people make is trying to cheer up the person who hates everything, or give them something "fun" that doesn't match how they actually see the world. The better move is to get them something that reflects their perspective back at them accurately. A shirt that says what they think. Something that assumes they're right about what they're right about. Specific beats generic every time, and the person who hates everything is one of the most specific people you know.
What do people who hate everything actually like?
They like things that are honest. Dark humor. Anything that skips the performance of positivity. Political gear that reflects what they actually believe. Comfort items (they usually have strong opinions about comfort). Horror movies. Animals, often more than people. Specific niche interests they have gone deep on. What they don't like: things that require them to pretend, things bought without thought, and anything that implies their perspective is a problem to be solved.
What should you NOT get for someone who hates everything?
Anything that says "good vibes only." Anything inspirational. A wellness product they didn't ask for. Generic gift sets. Candles from a store that also sells motivational posters. A book about gratitude. A calendar with nature photography and quotes. These gifts communicate that you want them to be different. That's the opposite of what a good gift communicates. A good gift says: I see you, specifically, as you are.
Is there a good gift for a misanthrope?
Yes. Misanthropes are actually easy to shop for because they are honest about what they like. They will tell you, if you ask directly. If you don't want to ask, pay attention to what they already own and wear. If they have strong opinions about a topic: politics, history, dark humor, animals, specific media. That's the lane. Something in that lane, specifically chosen, will land better than anything generic. They will notice that you paid attention. They will not necessarily say so.
What's the difference between someone who hates everything and someone who's hard to please?
The person who hates everything knows exactly what they like. They are not hard to please. They are easy to please, if you do the work. The person who is hard to please often doesn't know what they want and won't be satisfied regardless. These are two completely different people. The person who hates everything will be visibly delighted by the right gift. The right gift just has to be specific, honest, and not a candle.
